October 22, 2009....74 weeks and 1 day....519 days....since I've held Maria? Or closer to SEEing her again?

I started this post yesterday....I couldn't finish it...got frustrated and teary and just walked away. I had a few things to "do", a couple of appointments and errands....Then...it happened.  I realized that I was all alone...Boys out of town, girls in school, and I had about 2-3 hours before I needed to pick up Shaoey and take her to "Trauma" counseling. What a fun extra-curricular activity that is.  Some kids play soccer....others go to trauma therapy!  I hate being alone these days...which is ironic because I usually like being alone. But these lonely days leave me to do nothing but think!  Especially on days that happen to be the 21st...of any month, it is just a little bit harder...I'm sure as time continues to be a friend and carry us closer to the reality of our true home and inheritance with Christ, it will be..., well maybe not easier, but different.  Maybe a shift of perspective that life is moving by at a faster and faster pace, and that we really ARE just passing through this land to our permanent home with Christ.  So, I did what any sad, grieving mom might do.  I went to TJ Maxx!  You see, I'm not a shopper...As in I don't like or care about brand names....I avoid the mall like a plague unless it is Christmas and I have to purchase gifts for family members...and when I do have to make a retail selection, the bargain hunter in me is unveiled!  TJ Maxx is my friend!  A lot of times I just get a buggy and stroll the isles...not putting a single thing in my cart.  I just stroll, think and cry as I think of how desperately I miss that chubby belly, pigeon toed, sloppy kisser of a girl.  Yesterday....17 months later, I still caught myself bargaining with God to give her back to me....To somehow let her be manifested so that I could just see her for a minute, or at least get a small whiff of her sweet, yet sweaty smell.  I would have loved to just feel the sensation of me kissing the fat of her neck and blowing Zerberts until she giggled so hard she could barely speak!  Why?  It's been 17 months!  I still think about her that much and miss her that much!  I don't know whether I'm stuck....stuck in grief...or if I'm simply a mom!  A mom who knows exactly how many days its been since she heard...."Mommy, will you put Cinderella's gloves on for me?"  "Thanks mommy, I love you"....I really hesitate sometimes to write these honest truest of true thoughts down....I find myself thinking....."whoever is reading this probably thinks I need to just get over it and move on..."  I want you all to know that I am making progress.  The waves roll in a little less frequently, but they still roll in....and as far as getting over it....I won't...I'll get through it, not over it....  There is a part of me that will be and is forever changed and different because I buried a child at 5 years old!  Now, that's not to mean that I won't ever experience joy...I already have....in plenty of ways...I've had 2 children get married since Maria went to be with Jesus!  What joy it was to see my children so in love and happy....true joy...yet...what was forever changed...was the fact that I will still go through those joyous times very away of my brokenness and my sad.  It's really ok!  In fact God entrusted me with it.  Why?  Trust me?  I don't even want to talk about the "Why?"question.... But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on Earth.  I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the ONE that blessed us with Maria for 5 beautiful years.  Did I want more years?  You better believe I did....but...I also know that Maria didn't live one day longer than she was supposed to.  She was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, drive a car, go on a date, or as Shaoey observed...have a senior picture hanging on the senior picture wall....God knew all of that...He knows all of my pain...and somehow I am trusting that He alone is the ONE that is going to fix it, heal it, make it right....when it is time.  Until then, I'll still be asking God to let me see her, feel her, smell her.....and if you see a woman who is a little disheveled walking the isles of TJ Maxx with tears streaming down her face....It's probably me!  You see, know matter how much I can tell you it's getting easier, I still end up back where I started.  I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress.  Yet, when all is said and done, I think I'm going to have to settle for the Little Train that Could....  Tell Jesus...I think I can I think I can...and believe it...even when I don't!  Ok...enough for today...I'm running out the door to the hallelujah hoedown for Stevey Joys class!  A bit of joy I don't want to miss!

Hugs,

Mary Beth

Comments

[Tracy Hofland]

Mary Beth,
Oh we all grieved for you and contniue to pray for your family. It was all to familiar to me and my family. Our Son Matthew left for heaven April 22, 2007. I miss him everyday and I remmiber the bargining with God for a visit or a dream.God has continued to surround us with his love and comfort. I want to encourage you this season. This is my third christmas and it does get differant. Its is not moving on. I won't move on he is forever apart of us. I don't want to get over his death. I loved him dearly. But I know God had a much bigger plan that what I can see and I know people are going to be in heaven because of Matthew and Maria and how their life and death touched their lives. I have one foot here and one foot in heaven. I try to live each day like he is coming very very soon and it will just be a short while till we are all together. Our Kids became missionaries in their death. when they are present with the Lord and I have Jesus in my heart so we are always together...maybe it souds strange. But I try to live knowing given the choice Matt won't want to come back to us. The first chirstmas I wanted to forget it do everything like we forgot chirstmas.I hated the christmas music and the stores. Then I had to remmember all though all of the comericalism was about being together that was't the real reason of chirstmas. Without that first Christmas, Jesus coming to earth I would never see my Matt again and all this would be meaning less.
The second chistmas I didn't like the stores but looked forward to getting together with everyone because I saw my kids getting older and we would have less and less time together. This christmas is differant again. I love the stores, not the bussiness or craziness. I needed a project this christmas that I just completed today. Arraging christmas for 8 needy families. Not all by me but asking friends to help. I am excited for them christmas morning to see how God loved these people through strangers. It is the hardest time because christmas is rally 2 months in canada from the day after halloween the stores are decorated. But try to remember without the first christmas and a knowing (not a hope..you and I know what a christian hope is but non christians don't). We will be together soon and all with Jesus. I am praying that joy will break through this christmas in your families lives thinking about how more amazing Maria is. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.Hugs
Tracy (one foot here and one in heaven))

[Alisha]

Mary Beth,
THANK YOU for sharing. I know that the pain lasts long. I can't express how God has encouraged me in MY pain through knowing His faithfulness that has been coming in YOUR lives. I pray for you and your family, though I have never met you. Though the pain seems to come back even after a person feels like they are "doing well." I am glad to know I am not the only one. I find hope in the midst of that agonizing heartache.
God can do so much! Thank you for proclaiming this with your lives!
Love from a young Sister.

[trauma therapy]

I recently came across your blog and have been reading about trauma therapy. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.

[Marni Juengel]

MB ~ I have journeyed with a dear friend through the sudden death of her young husband. I believe her words will minister to you. I would encourage you to check out her blog. She, like you, has a way with pouring her heart out while at the very same time being filled back up by our sweet Holy Spirit. I gaurantee that Sarah's journey will touch your heart and minister to your aching soul. Please take the time to check it out at http://sarahschieber.blogspot.com/. At this Christmas season - please consider listening to Sarah's song Christmas In Heaven - it will wrap you up in Christ's arms as you listen to it. Sarah has lived her grief with a transparency that will inspire you. We continue to lift you and your family up in prayer.

[Stephanie Copple]

You inspire me..Thank you for being so opened at this time in your life.

[tonya]

Marybeth
You say "I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress" you have made progress...maybe not how you feel you should be making progress but you have, are and will continue to. Progress is different to may people, but waking up and making that choice to still trust in God even when you don't know how or why is a step that most people can't even make after something like this. And that my friend to me is progress!!!

[shawnee wildey]

My sweet sister in Christ- how my heart aches for you, but what amazing beauty rings out from your brokeness. I pray the God of all comfort will sustain you and bring you joy each day. He finds such joy in you and your daily offering of brokeness before him. I pray that you will find deeper levels of joy then you ever imagine possible. Remember that our God can do exceedingly more then we think or imagine. He has a powerful ministry for you-to bring healing to the broken hearted. I don't know you but I love you and I pray that our God who is near to the broken- hearted will be near to you today.
PS. My little China doll-is 4 1/2 his name is Noah.

[Andi Roberts]

MaryBeth,

I think it's great that you are so honest. I have lost 2 babies to miscarriage, and have two beautiful healthy perfect kids here with me on earth. I can only imagine how difficult some days must be for you. I never met the children I lost, and I still constantly think that we would be a family of 6 right now. I have had many thoughts of what it would be like with them here, and how I miss them though I never knew them...especially this time of yr. My last miscarriage was 2 yrs ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. Somedays I even feel guilty because I have two fabulous children..why do I keep dwelling on it? I don't even talk about it anymore because most people feel miscarriage is not a big deal and I should be over it. And even though it doesn't hurt as it once did, I think there will always be a little bit of sadness, and longing that remains but I am so thankful for the Hope that God has given me. That He died for me so that my babies and myself can reunite someday in Heaven. He is the only one that can fill that void and I try to thank him for the gifts he has given me, and for the time I had, though short, growing those babies. Thank you for being so honest and helping others feel like they are normal for feeling this way even after yrs or months have gone by. I am sure Maria is having so much fun up there right now.

[Tina]

Thank you for being so honest. I lost my twin brother Oct. 4, 2009 and I am missing him so much. I know there will be a day, when we see him again. It can't come to soon. He lived his life to the fullest every day and lived it like it would be his last. He left us with wonderful memories, that will last a lifetime.
By the way, I love TJ Maxx!!

Blessing
Tina

[Debbie Gianuzzi]

Hi,
We brought our 2nd little one home from China this Fall. Jenna joins her older sister, Stevie Joy on our amazing journey. She's a special needs kid (she'll need a heart operation in the near future). We are so blessed to be chosen not once, but twice. Whatever God has in store for us, we're just so thankful that to be looking into the faces of these little ones.

We want you to know we'r constantly thinking of you and want you to know how our lives have been blessed by your family. Thank you.
Debbie, Stephanie, Jenna and of course Daddy-Gene.

[Joy Morey]

Thank you for being so real. I can't imagine ever "getting over" the loss of a child. Truly hope I never have to experience and am so sorry you are experiencing it. May God's grace be with you as you walk out the day to day life. So glad that you continue to find joy in the journey. Blessings to you and your family!

[Catherine DePew]

I know the day she was born, November 20, 2008. I know the day she was born into Heaven, March 4, 2009. My tiny baby granddaughter Naomi. She was so beautiful...just like your Maria. Stars twinkle brighter because of her now, I believe. But, boy, do I miss her! How does one bright, pink-ribbon of a girl so capture your heart in such a blink of time? For the sweet little footprint she made on my heart, I am forever grateful to God. For the kiss on the tip of her little nose, I remember. Dear Mary Beth and Steven, you are so brave. Thank you for sharing with us. On the hard days when it is dark, it helps to know someone out there understands. I read today about Jesus and Lazarus. The famous 2-word "Jesus wept." That means the world to me today. He is the Resurrection and the Life. Thank You, God. Heaven is a place for all our beloved children. The song is beautiful...thank you for sharing...

[Susan Boleware]

Hi Mary Beth...I was listening to SCC's "Heaven is a Child" and just had to write. On January 22, 08 our precious little Kara Grace went to her heavenly home much to early for us. I so know how you feel. It seem so hard to go on with "life" and not feel guilty. Our sweet little KG was also adopted but was severly handicapped. We knew she would not be with us long and we tried to prepare ourselves but I don't think you really ever can.

Just last night someone asked us how many kids we have...then I have to say one... not two like I use to. This woman then said, you are so lucky. I was screaming inside...but to spare her feelings I didn't say, "No, you are the blessed one to have never buried a child!" I never know how to handle that question!

I like you, have a difficult day every 22nd of every month. I use to buy her a lot of clothes at Target...now I can barely walk into that store! It just brings back so many memories.

Anyway, "Heaven is a Child" feels like it was written just for me. I can't get through it without weeping. Thank you for your wittness and willingness to be used by God!

[Julie Dahlen]

Oh my, you summed up what I am feeling. I also lost my daughter to an accident in our home just this Oct 3rd. 45 days ago to be exact. It seems so long ago. I am so looking forward to the day when I can hug, kiss and smell her again. Thank you for sharing your story.

[robyn sowers]

Mary Beth,
never, never stop being honest, It is what I so appreciate about
you!!! We all struggle with life.... christian or not.... that is why
we so desperatly need a savior..... by the way I love TJ Max and
if I lived near you and saw you having a bad day... I would hug
you and take you out for coffee...

In his love,
Robyn Sowers

[David Bugo]

Mary Beth, a friend of mine pointed me to your blog after I shared the lyrics for "Beauty Will Rise" on my Facebook account. My wife and I lost our first (and only) child, Silas, on October 7, 2009. He was almost 9 months old.

Those alone moments when all you have to do is think really get to us. I don't think we will ever get over it either, but we will get through it.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

[Karen]

Mary Beth,
I had never consciously listened to your husband's music until two days ago. My friend told me that I had to listen to this CD - Beauty Will Rise. I have been listening to it non-stop and pretty well have it memorized already! I have never been so moved by a recording.
There are many days that I wonder if all we believe about heaven is true, or do we just believe it because we need to for our own comfort? Will I really see my parents and my brother again? Really? And when I read your husband's notes on the CD jacket, and now your comments, I am comforted by the knowledge that we will indeed be reunited.
I will start holding your family up with our evening prayers.

[Tracie]

No mother would ever tell you to move on. Ever. I am a mother of two boys through adoption and I still cry for your loss.
You are an amazing testimony that a mother who loses a child can not only survive, but continue to LIVE through the power and love of God.

[Mindy]

Mary Beth,

My heart aches for you and your loss. I almost lost my daughter when she was 16 months old to a massive brain tumor. I too tried to bargain with God all night before her surgery. A tug-a-war all night long, he wanted me to give her to him, I couldn't, I just couldn't. I prayed to have another baby for 8 1/2 years before finally being blessed to have her, and then why would he want her back, I loved her sooo much. I too didn't want to not hold her, smell her, have her kisses. But I remembered, in the midst of our battle, of how much I loved her, he loved her so much more. And he loved me that way too. I remember the story of Abraham and Sarah, and how he asked Abraham to trust him with Issac and sacrifice him, for Him. And the test of faith in that. I finally let go... I trusted him, either way, I surrendered, and just let go, His will be done. It was so scary, but I did. I also surendered my two sons too, they all belong to him, we just borrow them and I needed to trust that no matter what happened, he knows the bigger picture and path for my life and their lives. Let his will be done. Sigh. Peace. The peace that passes all, all understanding!

The next morning was the surgery, she was not expected to live through the surgery, and if she did, she most likely would need chemotherapy and have disabilities. The prognosis wasn't good, we asked for the truth, and we got it. So my husband and I held fast to eachother, our family, and our faith. The hardest good-bye as they took her away for the surgery. And then we waited, we got updated by the running nurse through out for the next maybe 6 hours, but much sooner than expected the surgeon came out and shaking his head in disbelief, he said she is done and is doing fine. He couldn't believe how differently she presented on MRI and CAT scans.(Mind you this is what he does for a living, remove brain tumors from children, and he was surprised!) Almost no blood loss, and they had prepared us that they would probably have to replace her total blood volume 8-10 times because the tumor was so vascular, this was the biggest risk. He said it was as if someone just gently set the tumor in there and it was easily removed. I told him many were praying for her and for his skilled hands.(Later found that it was thousands of people through many prayer chains) He said whatever they are doing, it worked, it was amazing. More amazing, it was not cancer, she did not and still does not have any disabilities, all of her doctors can not believe this baby had this severe of a tumor and is fine. She will be 3 this December. I am truly grateful, every day for her that he lets me keep her, for now, I am just borrowing my children and loving them as much as He loves us. Our God is good and has a plan for all of us. He knows your plan too. Having this blog for other grieving mothers to see, its okay 17 months later (or 17 years later) to still miss someone you loved so dearly. But there is joy of knowing Christ, knowing that one day, you will see her again! Thank you for being so real and honest and sharing. Hugs and Prayers. Sisters in Christ, Mindy

[Sue Paul]

Mary Beth,
My heart goes out to you and Steven. I lost my own Steven 5 years ago. He was not my child but my soulmate. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but it doesn't. The pain is something that becomes part of you. I too have cried many tears walking down aisles in a store when a particular song or memory comes on. I get trhough each day just knowing that my Steve is up there dancing with the angels until we can dance together again. I can still feel him leading me to the dance floor. Just know that God is keeping them safe for us. Someday we will all be One Big Famiy.

[Kristina]

Mary Beth, I pray no one ever tells you to get over it and move on, I also pray that one day you realize the last TJ Maxx visit was a very long time ago. Learning to handle the pain is never easy. 2 days with my daughter before she passed was hard, I can't imagine what it would feel like after five years of knowing and loving that child. You are a strong woman in so many ways, I greatly admire that strength. Hang in there for as long as it takes.

[Kim]

Mary Beth,

I was in Houston this past weekend and listened as Steven talked of what your family has and is still processing and going through. My heart aches for you and your family. I guess after reading your blog the one thing that stuck out in your writing was when you mentioned "wanting to be that strong Christian woman, making that awesome progress.." I know as Christian's we all want to be that way, but also as Christian's I think it is okay to lean on one another when our faith is shaky and we are scared. I guess at the Women of Faith conference this weekend in Houston I realized we are all in this together, we all have trials and tribulations. Some seemingly greater than others. However, the fact remains whether our husband is a famous Christian singer,in the spotlight, or if he is a loan officer at a bank, we as Christian's are all in the "life thing" together and we need each other... most especially when our strength is weakened and making progress in life is slow. I think it is okay to cry in TJ Maxx, try and bargain with God and settle for the Little Train that Could. Keep leaning on the people that can hold you as your own strength will come. In closing, after all that Steven shared and sang about I believe that the one thing I will always remember and take with me were your words... "When we hit rock bottom, thank goodness it was solid." Wow, now that is true faith and your strength, only in my opinion, is greater than even you realize at this point in your life. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your faith with us. God Bless.

[Kim Goodrich]

Hi MaryBeth,
I read your words and see myself in them. I, too, buried a child too early. My daughter was only 1 day old, and I know that ripping. She was full-term and died from labor complications. She was perfect... I know what it is like to buy a headstone with your child's name on it. For some reason God chose us to be the carriers of this tragedy; this hope that there IS more and He IS real. You are right on time and right on track. 17 months is not long at all. It has been 11 yrs. and sometimes when I speak of her, the grief comes out of nowhere and blindsides me. But that is okay, I now realize. You are right on track...be kind to yourself and don't listen to that little voice that says something is wrong with you:) Blessings to you, my sister-in-Christ. We are so much closer to seeing our little girls again. Focus on THAT. Wow.
Love in Christ,
Kim

[Lindsay Odum]

Hi Marybeth. Im a fellow mom. I like you love the familar scent of my little boy. Sometimes I give him a kiss just to smell his cheek. Its a comfort. I dont want to ever experience life without that. You shouldnt wonder what other readers think about your statements. I understand. Although I dont understand what it feels like to miss it. Im so sorry for your loss. I still cry when I hear Cinderella or Heaven in the Face. I thank you for your blogs from your heart. Keep resting where you are in the arms of our Father. Love from a sister in Christ.

[barbara]

MBC, hang in there, grieving mom. what you're feeling, and how you're handling it, God is teaching us more lessons through you. so in some small, "not gonna stop the pain" kind of way, hang in there and just know that there is hope and healing in the words you write, the things you freely express to us. may our sweet jesus hold you as you continue your journey. i hold you up in prayer, and thank Him for the gift of you. bgf