I started this post yesterday....I couldn't finish it...got frustrated and teary and just walked away. I had a few things to "do", a couple of appointments and errands....Then...it happened. I realized that I was all alone...Boys out of town, girls in school, and I had about 2-3 hours before I needed to pick up Shaoey and take her to "Trauma" counseling. What a fun extra-curricular activity that is. Some kids play soccer....others go to trauma therapy! I hate being alone these days...which is ironic because I usually like being alone. But these lonely days leave me to do nothing but think! Especially on days that happen to be the 21st...of any month, it is just a little bit harder...I'm sure as time continues to be a friend and carry us closer to the reality of our true home and inheritance with Christ, it will be..., well maybe not easier, but different. Maybe a shift of perspective that life is moving by at a faster and faster pace, and that we really ARE just passing through this land to our permanent home with Christ. So, I did what any sad, grieving mom might do. I went to TJ Maxx! You see, I'm not a shopper...As in I don't like or care about brand names....I avoid the mall like a plague unless it is Christmas and I have to purchase gifts for family members...and when I do have to make a retail selection, the bargain hunter in me is unveiled! TJ Maxx is my friend! A lot of times I just get a buggy and stroll the isles...not putting a single thing in my cart. I just stroll, think and cry as I think of how desperately I miss that chubby belly, pigeon toed, sloppy kisser of a girl. Yesterday....17 months later, I still caught myself bargaining with God to give her back to me....To somehow let her be manifested so that I could just see her for a minute, or at least get a small whiff of her sweet, yet sweaty smell. I would have loved to just feel the sensation of me kissing the fat of her neck and blowing Zerberts until she giggled so hard she could barely speak! Why? It's been 17 months! I still think about her that much and miss her that much! I don't know whether I'm stuck....stuck in grief...or if I'm simply a mom! A mom who knows exactly how many days its been since she heard...."Mommy, will you put Cinderella's gloves on for me?" "Thanks mommy, I love you"....I really hesitate sometimes to write these honest truest of true thoughts down....I find myself thinking....."whoever is reading this probably thinks I need to just get over it and move on..." I want you all to know that I am making progress. The waves roll in a little less frequently, but they still roll in....and as far as getting over it....I won't...I'll get through it, not over it.... There is a part of me that will be and is forever changed and different because I buried a child at 5 years old! Now, that's not to mean that I won't ever experience joy...I already have....in plenty of ways...I've had 2 children get married since Maria went to be with Jesus! What joy it was to see my children so in love and happy....true joy...yet...what was forever changed...was the fact that I will still go through those joyous times very away of my brokenness and my sad. It's really ok! In fact God entrusted me with it. Why? Trust me? I don't even want to talk about the "Why?"question.... But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on Earth. I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the ONE that blessed us with Maria for 5 beautiful years. Did I want more years? You better believe I did....but...I also know that Maria didn't live one day longer than she was supposed to. She was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, drive a car, go on a date, or as Shaoey observed...have a senior picture hanging on the senior picture wall....God knew all of that...He knows all of my pain...and somehow I am trusting that He alone is the ONE that is going to fix it, heal it, make it right....when it is time. Until then, I'll still be asking God to let me see her, feel her, smell her.....and if you see a woman who is a little disheveled walking the isles of TJ Maxx with tears streaming down her face....It's probably me! You see, know matter how much I can tell you it's getting easier, I still end up back where I started. I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress. Yet, when all is said and done, I think I'm going to have to settle for the Little Train that Could.... Tell Jesus...I think I can I think I can...and believe it...even when I don't! Ok...enough for today...I'm running out the door to the hallelujah hoedown for Stevey Joys class! A bit of joy I don't want to miss!
Hugs,
Mary Beth
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