I Wanted More

Maria's 1st Birthday while still living in a Christian Foster Home. We adopted her 2 months later.

Maria's 2nd Birthday, her first with us.  Mom made the cake, can you tell?

Maria's 2nd Birthday....again...  This time we had another cake and celebrated with friends.  Why not have two 2nd birthdays!!!

Maria's 3rd Birthday!  Mom attempted a fairy cake and it totally fell apart.  Smiles are all that mattered and Maria loved the icing, so all was good!  When all else fails....add icing....Lots of it!

So....we had another 3rd Birthday for Maria when more people could be there!  This time it was totally Tinker Bell.....Her all time favorite fairy!  All three of the little girls were dressed like Tinker Bell and it was a magical day!

Maria's 4th Birthday!  She loved Nemo this year so I decided to make her an Ocean cake!  I had a blast making it, but I had more fun watching her reaction when she saw it!

Opening presents at her 4th Birthday after eating her Ocean Nemo cake.  She is opening her jewelery box with her name painted on it.  She was excited to get one that matched her sister's.

Maria's 5th Birthday!  Many of you have seen this picture in the last year as it was one of the last pictures taken of her.  We had just gotten back from China, and we had a Ballet Cake for her!  She loved having her family ALL together and it was a very, very good day.

As I write this blog, I don't even have a title for it yet.  I honestly don't know what to write, or what to say.  I can think of all the "right" things to say, like...."I'm thankful for the years I had with Maria."  That is a true statement, but I still want more years with her.  I've heard things like..."she wasn't mine to begin with."  That is a true statement as well...She belongs to God, He gave her to me so that I could be her Mommy....I still want to be her Mommy, I wasn't prepared to give her back to the One who gave her to me.  I wish with everything in me that I was spending my night trying to figure out what cake I would make (or order), or what cookies or cupcakes I would be taking to her class room tomorrow to celebrate her 6th Birthday.  But tomorrow will come and go, and Maria won't turn 6.  At least not here on Earth.  I'm not sure how it all works in heaven but I do know that she is complete and whole and happy.  But here, this side of the Vale, it really just stinks.  I miss her and I'd love to have her jump up on my lap with icing all over her and taste her sweet kisses.  Maria was always just a giggle away from a full on laugh fest.  She was the absolute  picture of fun and mischief.  Our home isn't the same without her, it is much quieter.  Our family isn't the same without her, it is like a chunk of our whole body is missing and the wound feels as though it will never heal.  But....I will say that I am certain that the World is a better place for knowing who Maria was.  I would give anything to have her back...to push rewind and go back and have this all be different, but because we can't....We have to point others to the one who is singing Happy Birthday to her now....So as much as we can, we will use our suffering as a place where people see our Hope and our Faith.  I'm sad.  I'm really really catastrophically sad.  I'm not sure when it will be better.  I guess I will get through this but not ever will I get over it!  So I will journey on, knowing that this isn't my home, and that when I reach my journey's end, I will be WITH Maria, longer than I will have been WITHOUT her.  I can't thank you all enough for the prayers and the support for our family.  Please continue to pray for us, but also take time to pray for all families who have suffered loss, that Christ will meet them somewhere in their grief journey and they will encounter HIM.  Bless you today, on this the Birthday reminder of my precious Maria Sue.  With that said, I guess I will simply name this blog.....I wanted More.

Hug your little ones tighter,

Mary Beth

Comments

[Christian Singles]

Mary Beth, I am just reading this blog and I would like to extend my condolences and prayers to you and your family. God is with you (as you know) and you appeared to be the quintessential mother. You were both blessed to have spent the time you had together, with each other. God bless you and happy holidays!

[Ruth Laudon]

I heard Steven and Michael Smith in concert in Sioux City, Iowa on April 17, 2009 and cried my heart out for your entire family as did most the people around me - it takes time to overcome such a tragedy as you all have experienced, but I am thankful that Steven is again on the road with your two sons playing, thankful that you both can testify and help other parents who have tragically lost children, family members survive...I wish my parents would have loved m as much as you love yours...you are always in my prayers! I write Christian poetry...I've been working on a poem for the Chapman family and will send when it is finished. In Christ's love and mine!

[Kim D.]

"Hug your little ones tighter."

Thanks you so much for this reminder, Mary Beth

The Lord has really been laying on my heart the verse in the Psalms that says:

"So teach us to number our days,
That we may gain a heart of wisdom."

Ps. 90:12

Your openess with your grief & your journey on this blog has even made me more aware of the need to SLOW down & LOVE on my family!!! I have three precious children-one born into our family & two adopted from Guatemala & one WONDERFUL hubby who the Lord has placed in my life to shower love on.

Anyway, thanks for reminding me through your words that they are all precious gifts that may not always be here-I need to love them TODAY!

Praying fervently for your family!

[Babcia Fl]

Our prayers are with all of you. This is what the family of God is all about. This is the family that the world must see. Thank you for all you do for the kingdom.

[corinne chausse]

Her first birthday was not with us. We have no pictures. We made up for it with the next two. Nemo edged Elmo out by a healthy margin for two years. Now it is Tinkerbell. However, there is still so heavy competition from the ocean world spearheaded by "the Original Mr Fishy" who made the trip to China with us 4 years ago.

The astounding parallels between my percious Maggie and Maria have served to fuel my prayers for you Mary Beth. Daily, sometimes hourly over this last year, the uncanny likeliness between our two precious girls has served to drive my heart before the mercy seat, lifting you up... I cannot begin to appreciate your heartbreak, but everytime I hold my sweet Maggie, or watch her perform some crazy antics, or hear her sweet voice drifting through the house, composing yet another ballad about fishy, wild beasts (prounouced bists), and flowers... I imagine for as long as I can bear it.. nanoseconds...the absolute vacuum in my life there would be without her.

And from these moments of overwhelming emotion and the glimpse of grief another sister is suffering... come my most intense prayers for you and your family. But especially you.. from one mom's heart to another..

I pray for His arms to be strong and tender and comforting- to help you put one foot in front of the other during a day when this simple task must seem insurmountable.

Blessings and prayers.

[nikki]

We are praying for you. Loosing my dad and my nephew (18 months)both unexpected has devastated us. We hold onto Christ also and I know the LONGING to be swept up to heaven also.

My sister knows more the mother child aspect but we still grieve and cry.

We pray and pray for you and so many others who have felt a loss.

[Betty. San Juan, Puerto Rico]

Hi Mary Beth,
I lost my youngest brother tragically who was like a son to me. 12 years later it still hurts. I can only tell you to have faith in the lord and those wounds and that hole you feel inside slowly but surely eases. Doesn`t heel it just eases!
I am praying for you and your family! God Bless the Chapmans.

[April Horton]

Dear Marybeth,
Thank you for sharing your life and family with us. Thank you for being so open and honest. It makes me feel like I've known you forever. I love Steven's music and I enjoy reading your blogs. I just felt driven to write to you today to say that my prayers are with you during this difficult time as you mourn the loss of your Maria. May you find peace in the memories and comfort that you will see her in Heaven. Peace.

[Christi Phillip]

I too am facing another month without my little girl. She died suddenly on January 23, 2009 and soon she will have been in heaven as long as she was here on earth. She was only 4 months old and I will miss her until we are together at home. Know that I am praying with you and for you as we both are fellow strugglers to heal through God's amazing presence. Also, please visit Kaylen's write to heal, as we are making ever effort to help other mothers with this healing process. God Bless you and until we meet in person may God's loving arms hold us both until we are together again with our beautiful daughters. www.kaylenswritetoheal.com.

In Christ's Grip,

Christi

[Shelly]

Mary Beth,
I'm praying for you this week. My family went through a very similar tragedy, and I can tell you that even after 27 years you don't get over it, but with God you can get through it. And you are. Thanks for sharing your story. God is so faithful!

[Eric Coop]

Mary Beth,

I want you to know that my heart, and the hearts of those around me continue to break for you, Steven, and the rest of your family.
You're still in our prayers and thoughts and I hope you know that those who love and care about you will continue to pray and ask for God's peace and understanding to be given to you through all this.

[Myssie Jolley]

My heart just breaks for this family everyday. My family had cupcakes to honor Maria's birthday. I love this family and what they mean to the people they touch everyday. What they mean to me. I couldn't ever imagine getting through something so devastating as what they have endured this past year. They have more strength than I will ever have. God Bless this family today. I love you all!

[LaughingMouse]

I have been praying for you for awhile now. And I have hurt for your loss and continuing struggle. Tonight, when I read your note about how your home is quieter now I thought "Restoration. That is what I pray for them. Restoration of what they have lost." It ought to go without saying that it will be very different, but I believe that God can bring Restoration. That is my prayer for you. (hug)

[Southern Gal]

I pray you have a wonderful day. I pray God will meet with you and give you His peace to make it through yet another day without Maria. But Mary Beth, what you said at the end of your post is so profound and true..."So I will journey on, knowing that this isn't my home, and that when I reach my journey's end, I will be WITH Maria, longer than I will have been WITHOUT her."
Thank you. It gives me another perspective on the loss of loved ones I've faced lately.

[stephiegdalyrist]

Love you so much and praying for yall all the time.Praying for mended hearts and minds.I just don't have the right words to write,.....just that I love you,praying for ya and can relate on a connection level??

Praying for healing.

Grab onto the product of life,His truth,Grand illuminating hand to reach down,grip you in this very hour of need.For your heart is mine,life and time,here to greet you along the way.Describing...no words to say,only silence as I pray...forever my friends,in my heart,in my mind!

Love,
Stephanie G
Charlotte,NC

[Patty Gilbreath]

Chapman Family,
I just wanted to say my prayers are with your family everyday. Your family is so precious and wonderful. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I know that is sometimes hard to believe. Just remember Maria is wacthing over you all and waiting to see you again. God bless you all.
In Christian Love,
Patty Gilbreath

[Tori]

Congratulations Shaoey and Team.
Steven and Mary Beth you just might have
a pro baseball player in the family.
Continue to pray for you and your beautiful
family.

[Cindy Koester,Byron,MN]

Mary Beth,
Our thoughts & prayers have been with you all!
Really...trying to comprehend all you've been going through
and feeling is beyond our imagination....but know that our
prayers continue everyday.
I'm so sorry for the deep, deep sadness and these tough days.

The way that you share so honestly makes such a difference!
Probably to more hearts than you even know! I really treasure
the fact that you are so honest because I know you are being true....by sharing the happy and the sad....and not just what
you might think "everyone wants to hear" or "what I'm
supposed to feel like". Thank you Mary Beth!

So beautiful to look at the pictures of the different birthdays and see the heart and fun you put into Marias special day.
I loved that you turned the fairy cake into an even more magical
birthday treat with the "fix" of frosting! :)

Hugs,
Cindy K & family

[Colleen Hansen]

Continued blessings as you carry on without your precious Maria Sue. We lost our daughter 16 yrs ago and I still long to have her with me some days! It does get better over time, I know that for sure! Praying God will continue to pour out his grace on you during her birthday remembrance and also next week at the anniversary of her passing.

[The Ackleys from Kettering, Ohio]

MBC & family~
I wish you had more as well. Still sitting in prayer for you all:) Thanks for sharing your feelings of grief with us. It is making a difference in so many ways for many people. May you continue to be uplifted and comforted by the prayers of so many as well. Hugs, hugs & more hugs!!

[Kathleen]

No words, just prayers. I'm sorry.

[Mendy]

Thank you for sharing your real feelings. You are a real encouragement to everyone. May God continue to give you the peace and understanding everyday and know we are praying for you!

[Gail H]

You all are in my prayers.... I am so sorry.

[Jeanine]

Every time I read your descriptions of Maria and her bubbly personality I can't help but think of my thirdborn...Avery Grace. They sound so much alike...always laughing, milking every ounce of joy out of each moment of each day. I can only imagine how much you want Maria back, and I know there are no words that can make it better. But know that you continue to be in the prayers of so many and we all rejoice with you in the hope of that sweet reunion at the feet of Jesus. Blessings to you, and congratulations on Caleb's wedding! What a sweet Mother's day!

[Rochelle]

That's so sweet. All so well said. Praying for you and others going through similar loss right now, like this family: http://kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/

Thanks for being so open and honest about how you are feeling, and pointing us all back to the One who created us.