Why? What? How? Where?

I spent last weekend (Thursday-Sunday) in Chicago with my sons' (Willy Frank) advanced Choir named Vision.  It was a great time to be with Will's friends and for me to be involved with Will on one of his last senior memories.  It was a great time!!!!  I will attach some pictures to this blog.  Now, onto the blog at hand.  I have been impressed again to share some more of what I feel God is showing me on the journey of grief and suffering.  So that is why I asked Why? What? How? Where? when walking on the beach this last spring break.....I have come to accept and realize through much thought, prayer, and writing that I am profoundly sad.  Profoundly, desperately, sometimes suffocatingly sad. And I think at least for now....it's OK.  I've always been somewhat of an Eeyore, glass half empty kind of girl....but this sadness is...well I've deemed it CATASTROPHIC.  But I have to say...even in the midst of this sometimes debilitating sadness, I have HOPE.  sometimes it is a little tiny flicker....but none the less...Hope. When I was walking on the beach back in March I kept saying over and over again....... Why? What? How? Where?  I didn't even have to make myself say them, the words with the question mark at the end just kept repeating in my mind like they were on repeat.  I decided I would share the thoughts that came to me while I was walking on one of the most beautiful sunny mornings I could ask for....

WHY? 

Because I am God and I know all and am in complete control and know what is best, even though it looks like a mess....It is MY mess and I am making it beautiful.

WHAT?

Because I am God, keep walking and keep trusting...Love well the ones still in your charge...Realize that time is short, life is hard, but I've given you so much to live for...do not squander it.

HOW?

Remembering that I am God and your trust has to be completely in me....No striving of your own will fix, heal, help, or calm any of what you see as mess.  It is not a mess.  I do what I do for a reason, I allow what I allow for reasons you can't even comprehend... Rest, you won't figure this out, but He who holds Maria holds you and wants you to rest in His arms.

I felt as if God was whispering...Do the next thing.  Start taking steps and trust me.  Tell people of My amazing faithfulness and compassion towards your family.  I felt as if He was telling me to Love my family and friends well....To rest and take the time I need to process this all the way out, but keep trusting me.  Life on Earth is short and I'll be with Maria in just a little bit, in the mean time keep walking, take the next steps...and remember, I am coming for you.....soon!  It really won't be that long in the grand scheme of life.

All of the above was part of some thoughts that I wrote while on Spring Break.  I was crying with tears streaming down my face as I was begging God to speak audibly....(If I could only hear you out loud my pea sized brain was thinking).  All of a sudden to the point of making me jumped back, startled, heart beating fast,....The biggest, loudest wave broke onto the shore....I think I heard Him loud and clear.

Hugs,

Mary Beth

Comments

[Heather]

Mary Beth,
Tears are soaking this keyboard as I write this. Obviously, you don't know me, but I have been praying for you for almost a year now. I'm not sure exactly what drew me to your family's story. Don't tell your husband but I'm not one of his devoted music fans, I actually first started visiting your website when my husband and I were told we couldn't have children and we started looking into adoption. Through in unexpected miracle the day after our visit with an adoption agency, I found out I was pregnant, and now have a 16 month old son. Anyway, for several years now, I have been struggling with the whole "Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people?" question, and it returned with a vengeance when you lost your precious daughter. Again, although I don't know your family, you guys have really touched my heart, and though I couldn't do anything tangible, I have prayed for you every time God has brought you to mind. This is the first time I have read your Blog, in fact this is the first Blog I've read period, and now I know, at least in part, why God has brought me to this website. Your raw honesty is so greatly appreciated. You have shared what I think so many struggle with through times of great pain. Those questions, Why, What... and the answers that followed are just what I needed to hear. I know it doesn't really ease your pain, but your willingness to share it is truly healing to others. Just reading a few of the comments give testimony to that. I don't always know exactly what to pray for you and your family, but God knows so that is what I always ask, that God would give you just what you need, just when you need it. Thank you so much for being "real". May God continue to heal your broken heart!

[Mary]

Mary Beth:

Ouch... boy do I understand this blog.. the tears, the yearning for that audible voice from Him, and He does give it to us. I wrote you a much longer note here and it disappeared.... LOL.... I guess it wasn't mean to be! It's ok to be sad.... it's ok to be just where you are...

That hole you are carrying will one day start to sprout flowers that will overflow. The hole will remain, but those flowers will bloom forever! I carry several of those holes, just in a much different way. Death is not the only way to loose life as we once knew it. I understand HOW? WHY? WHAT IF I HAD? WHY DIDN'T I? I understand.

Sending you prayers and a hug! Keep listening, He will answer!

[Carla Kasera]

Mary Beth,

Thank you for your complete honesty. In the midst of immense grief, you continue to share your day to day struggle. Know that you are loved by so many people around you and by ones you have never met. Most importantly you are loved by God, the Master, the Creator, the Beginning and the End. He knows your pain. He knows your sadness. You are right, it is okay to be sad. I can not even imagine the loss of a child, but God does. You and your family are an inspiration. You have handled a horrible situation and let Hope shine through. God bless.

Carla
~CK Crochic

[Joanne]

Thank you so much again for your raw honesty and also message of hope.
You've been through so much, way too much to wrap your head around, what you've been through is incomprehensible.
Maybe, like you kind of said, all you need to do right now is rest, trust, and love. Rest, trust and love. And that's more than enough.
Know you're in my prayers even though we've never met!

[Jessica]

Thank you so much for sharing!

[Stacy Delisle]

Mary Beth,

I just found your blog today after a sweet lady in our church recommended it to me. Like you, I have suffered the loss of a child.

Our sweet son, Isaac, was born on October 7, 2008. He has been given a poor prenatal diagnosis at just 12 weeks, and at 20 weeks pregnant, we were told his condition was fatal. I carried him to term, and he lived for just 16 minutes.

I just appreciate this post so much... I appreciate your honesty in saying that truly, you are just really sad. It helps me to know that even 6 months after Isaac's birth and death, that that's ok. Like you, I also have hope in our Savior, and trust that GOd is going to make something beautiful form all this in His time. But nonetheless, it is still really hard and I just miss my son terribly.

So I just wanted to thank you for your blog, for your honesty, and for loving Jesus in a way that radiates the hope you have in Him.

[Amy @ Living a Blessed Life]

Thanks for sharing your beautiful, broken heart, Mary Beth. Praying God's sweet blessings upon you as you continue to walk forward. I can't imagine how incredibly deep your sadness is. Know you are being loved and prayed for.

[Melanie]

Mary Beth! I feel as if you've opened up my heart and written down all of how I've felt the past two years of my own heartache. Your openness is like a healing balm to my soul. God bless you for sharing not only your joy but grief. You are truly an amazing inspiration. Only eternity will tell of your impact on the world.

Blessings - Melanie

[erica randall]

this was very encouraging!

[Debbie]

Mary Beth, my husband and son are also going to the Final Four and final game this weekend (and Monday). I dropped them off at the airport a couple hours ago! Have as much fun as you can have in the Motor City!! :) I'm thinking and praying for you all! :)

[Jocelyn]

This brought tears to my eyes. Isn't is amazing God speaks to us throughout His creation at just the time we need it? I continue to pray for you and your family every time I hear a SCC song - which is often =D Hugs sent back.

[Cynthia Y.]

WOW! Praise God!!!! Everything the Lord told you is so true...if I could just remember it as well.

I've been praying more for you specifically the past couple of weeks. You've been through A LOT just this past year. I can't imagine how you've been able to process any of it.

Just know that we're all still praying and that He loves you!

Cynthia Y.

[Rhonda]

Yes you can!! God will help you!! We have all heard these words. I see them in you and I hear God's voice speaking through you! Continue to listen and He will bless you and many others as He has this past year!! Your family is a blessing to many!

[Joelle]

As I read your words a few moments ago, I felt as though they were my own! Thank you for being so open, so honest, so transparent. Tragedy has hit my world in many ways already this year. I am still trying to wrap my "pee brain" around losing close family friends in the Montana plane crash about a week ago. 14 people (seven children under nine years of age) gone in an instant, nine from one family. Why? What? How? I don't think we'll ever fully understand this side of heaven. But God is God and we are not. Trust, faith, and HOPE are the only means of survival though, like you said, there may only be a "tiny flicker" of them in our hearts. We must keep on - keepin' on. Thank you again for letting God use you in the midst of your storm to touch others. May God continue to hold you, use you, and bless you in amazing ways as you serve him. Someday HEAVEN...I can't wait!!

[Ann]

Hang in there, sweet lady. Praying that you and yours all get your joy back (and hope you enjoyed your stay in our Windy City!).

Ann from Chicagoland

[Wendy M]

Your candor, faithfulness and insight are such precious gifts to those of us journeying with you in prayer.

God's peace and love -

Wendy

[Charlotte Jones]

God is amazing, isn't He? I am thankful for your insight and your willingness to share. God is in control of all things and the hard part is just letting go and trusting Him. May His Grace continue to sustain you in all things!

Charlotte
Pittsburgh, PA

[sharry]

Just wanted to say that although I did not lose a child, the pain you feel is like what I felt after my dad passed away. Just know that so many people are praying for you. I wish I could give you a hug so instead just wrap your arms around yourself and consider yourself hugged.

[Melissa Weisbard]

Your words truly touch my heart. I can't imagine your sadness at losing your child. I lost my niece and had a miscarriage once. Those things were burden enough.

May I suggest the "Experiencing God" book and workbook? It has brought me to a new level in my relationship with God and I am now able to hear His voice much better.

God Bless you and your family.

[Lynette]

It's good to see Emily out for a few of the United Tour concerts! Is she going to be at the ShowHope tables? I love the float as well!

[Laure H.]

Dearest MB,
I'm a melancholy person too and it's okay, God made us that way! But I am sorry you are sad on top of that. I agree that it's just where you are right now. No one could go through your journey and not be affected by it all. I hope you'll be able to look back on this and see something beautiful someday. and I agree that in the grand scheme of heaven and eternity, this is just a bleep on a radar. Just a blink. Your prayer warrior with must sisterly love, Laurie

[Joseph and Karen]

Mary Beth,

May you feel our Heavenly Father's arms protecting you and your family at all times.

We are so thankful to God for using you to encourage others in this blog....

We love you and your family.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:3-7

[erin]

so today i heard a new mandisa song and thought you guys, especially you MB. it's called 'you wouldn't cry'. if you haven't heard it you should check it out. part way thru the chorus i thought about you and started the song over and so much of it makes me think of what i'm sure your sweet little girl would say to you...i tried fighting the tears at first, but then i just started crying.
i'm sorry you're so sad, i know all of you are; but i am glad to hear you are seeing hope tho even it the pain.
still praying :)

[sheila]

Marybeth, I love your blogs. They are so honest and you encourage me greatly. God has been speaking to me in the last week regarding the why/how that I seem to ask (as to why all 3 of my nephews are gone in a single moment); as I was reading his word, leading up to the cross, I began to sense the same type of questions, how it all happened, that our God, our Savior, perfect in every way would be crucified on the cross. I have a list in my mind of things that should have been in place the night my nephews went to meet Jesus, but weren't, I went through the gospels and listed all the reasons I could find that our Lord and Saviour should not have been put on the cross. The list was astounding. From Jesus being God, to Judas changing his mind, and Herod wanting nothing to do with it. And the best one of all (which cuts a bit deep for me), Jesus asking God to take the cup of suffering from him, if it is his will. OUCH... I've wondered what the disciples and Mary and others, who were followers, felt those 3 days as he lay in the tomb. They must have been shaking their heads, wondering, 'How did it all go wrong' (much like I do in regards to my trials). Only we know that it didn't and it was God's plan all along and what a beautiful thing (our salvation) that came out of it. As I have been pleading with God for some answers, he gave me light. And, it has been sustaining over the last week in a way that, while my heart is aching, I am slowly getting it. I am slowly beginning to see things with an eternal purpose. It hurts though and my God knows what I need. He is good and loving. I am so very thankful today and I love to hear the joy and hope in your words. In God's Love, sheila

[Music Girl]

I am so proud of you!!!!!

Over the past several months I've read and watched as you have been blogging and I've noticed that you have really missed your baby girl. Rightfully so...but I have to say I am extremely happy that you listened and realized that God knows what He is doing.

You don't know me, but my heart has been increasingly burdened for you in recent weeks. I've noticed this sadness and all I can do from where I am is pray for you. I wanted to say that I am VERY proud of you for being open enough to let God say "trust me." He'll never ask you to do anything you can't. Just trust Him in the little things you do daily and it will become so much easier over time to continue to trust Him.

He gives us the grace to get through the moment when on our own...we could never take it.

Music Girl