A Long Week Last Week A Better Week This Week, but I am Weak!

I feel the need to explain my week last week so that my friends here will know how better to pray for me. About a week and a half ago, I completely came to the end of myself.  I was teary......OK, I was just plain a puddle....Lots of tears that kept coming.  A lot of anger was just crawling all through me.  I just couldn't figure it out...  Where was it coming from?  Granted, there is a part of me that feels entitled to be teary and angry, I've been through a lot.  Not only last week, but this last year!  However, then I quickly prayed to God, PLEASE....I don't want to feel entitled, or act like I deserve to be in this place of self-pity.  It is an on-going war in my heart and my head!   I tend to stay quite conflicted these days since Maria left and went to be with Jesus.  But let me tell you about the last several days! 2 weeks ago tomorrow, our good friend, business associate, father to Caleb's other band mates, awesome husband, mentor to my son's, left this world to go see his Savior and Maria.... The result of a 14 month battle with Pancreatic cancer.  David Lipscomb was an awesome friend and encourager...one of the first faces I remember seeing in the emergency room at Vanderbilt the night of our accident with Maria.  I miss him.  I am sad.  While he was declining, David's business partner and good friend, Geoff Moore, along with Steven helped put together an evening supporting David and his family.  David didn't get to be there with us, he was already playing with Maria by then, however it was a sacred evening that I think was a profound event for our industry. Several Artist played, SCC was among them.  Caleb had filmed David off and on, and David's footage actually introduced the other Artist and he also shared some very poignant words with the audience.  At any rate that evening took it out of me....especially after the weekend I had had.  David had passed, and I was just angry....  Angry at David, Angry at Maria, Angry at Steven, Angry at whoever would allow me to be and not be angry back!  I was finally at that place of not understanding God taking away those I love, and leaving all of us here to wonder around and heal the best we know how!  That's at least how I felt....  Partly because I had gone back to the doctor to ask about some medication that I had been on for awhile.  At any rate, I needed to add a different medication to my list, and try to get my emotions and anger under control.  All the while, crying out to God to please come back and take us to be with Him and Maria!   I just want to SEE her so badly!!     Ok....  The benefit concert was Monday evening....  The funeral was 11:AM on Tuesday....  The Dr. apt. was Tues afternoon....  We went straight from the Dr. telling me I needed to add another medication, to the Regional semi-finals for Will Franklin.  We had to drive out to Spring Hill, right past the cemetery, so we stopped with some flowers and visited Maria's "spot" as we like to call it.  We tell our girls all the time that Maria is not there at that spot, but that it is just her shell.  None the less it is the "spot" we visit the shell at.  OK...  On out to the game we went, with every reason to believe we would win the game!   We didn't!  Will Franklin's BB season came to a halt on that Tuesday.  It was hard to believe that it was over.  No more games...no more Willy in the Purple, Gold, White, & Black Jersey #5.  We all cried....and then went to Chili's for milk shakes!  Still very sad it was over, another kind of loss.  The whole time this week is unfolding, I had Shaoey needing to read a big book on Laura Wilder and then have a pioneer outfit put together, and then do a diorama (SP?)...Literally a scene from the book in a shoe box....  and of course...a book report on top of it all!   Wednesday found us busy with that.....Thursday found me at the OB GYN having my  6 week check up after a hysterectomy ( yes, there was that too! )....Friday allowed a beautiful day that let SCC and I wonder out to the big Pioneer Day!  It was a BIG LONG week.  I didn't have time for anything I long to do.....  be at home, quiet, spending time reading, praying....you all know what I'm saying.  At any rate, I hope at this point you are all figuring out that I am really normal .....  or not  ...and on the verge of out of controlled-ness!  Friday night found us at Shaoey's BB tournament in which she played 1 game Friday night, 2 games Saturday night, and 2 games on Sunday night!  All the while I am the mother of the groom, with wedding plans coming down the pike fast...  I just married my daughter last October, my little girl went to be with Jesus, and Will Franklin is graduating as well.  I feel sometimes in the swirl that I am all of a sudden a mother that has 2 little girls, but ALL the big kids are still coming and going (I LOVE IT BY THE WAY).....All of that to say is that Sunday after the Championship game in which Shaoey did WIN!!!!!  Steven and I went to the Hermitage Hotel as a gift from our children at Christmas.  They had given us a gift card and we used it!  It was restful and very nice to re-connect with my Hubby!  I think I am realizing something through all of the craziness.  Yes, God wants my quiet, and yes, God wants me to rest and hear Him and learn Him....but all along, in the crazy last two weeks, where I hardly had time to think.....I realized that if I always think that I am going to finally get to that place where I am constantly trying to get....like in a quiet picked up house....then I'm wrong.  I need to choose to SEE Christ in every BD party I drive too, every piano lesson that gets taught, every Ballet TUTU that gets twirled.  God is with me.  He isn't waiting until I die for me to be with Him....He isn't waiting until BB season is over, or until I get completely healthy...He SEE'S me now....He is with me now...  I know it is a simple realization, however....It was big good news to me.  I don't want to forget.....I want to remember.....God was with Maria on May 21 and God is with Mary Beth on March 10....  I would ask your prayers as I try and navigate all the things that pull after me...I love looking after my family and I really try to put that circle around them that they come first....  After that....it gets fuzzy.  I will be working more at Show Hope as that is my passion after my children and husband...please pray as I get back to scheduling and working at Balancing it all.

I love you all, Thanks for allowing my honesty

MBC

Comments

[Sara]

Mary Beth,

May God's Word fall on you today...

"..for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness." 1 Tim. 2:2

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe. " Proverbs 18:10

Jehovah-shammah "The Lord is there." Ezekiel 48:35

This is the Word that was laid on my heart to share and give to you as I read through the cry of your heart. May you know your Father's love for you - He is there, may you know where He is guiding you and that you experience His strength through it.

Love from,
Sara

[paige]

when people say "gee, i don't know how you do it", don't you just want to knock their block off???
so i wont say that...just know i'm praying for you here in atlanta
blessings & peace that passes all of our understanding to youxo

[Cheryl]

Mary Beth...I am the ultimate "lurker." Read a few blogs, comment on NONE, but I must tell you what an encouragement your honesty has been to me. This post is much more encouraging than the smiling faces at your kids' BB games, because it makes me feel NORMAL. My family, like yours, has experienced some devastating losses this year, and life keeps happnin' in the midst of our dealing with those losses, trying to put one foot in front of the other, and crying out to God. The fact that your post is so easy to relate to speaks of the universal pain and suffering of grief and loss, and so comforts those who are also trying to "smile at the BB games," but having such a hard time doing so. Thanks for normalizing the painful process. Cheryl

[Amy @ Living a Blessed Life]

Sending you love and continued prayers, Beautiful! I'm so very sorry for your pain. Thank you for bearing your soul. Sweet blessings, Amy in OR

[erica randall]

Mrs. Chapman,

thanks for sharing what you are going through! there is nothing i know that can ever make the pain completly go away... i'm just so glad that u are honost about how u feel, that has really encouraged me through what i am going through. thanks for being a good role model. prayers~
erica

[Lora]

Hi Mary Beth!

Thanks so much for being real and letting us love you! Still praying,

[Gerry Blumberg]

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. We all face days or weeks or months with no relief. But God promises new mercies each day even when I use mine up by noon. Hang in there.

[Sara]

The life of a mom is difficult and frenzied enough without all of the hurts and losses. Thank you for your honesty and I am lifting you up in prayer. God bless you every second of the day and give you strength and courage and peace.

[Valerie]

Thank you for such honesty! I have often wondered how you can manage so much (and I didn't even know the half of it!) and I feel like I'm going crazy with 2 toddlers and 1 on the way. It's comforting to me that I'm not alone in the circus known as motherhood! And, your lesson about God being with you in the everyday things and not just in the "God moments" is very inspiring as well. Thanks so much for sharing!! I'll be praying for you as I pray for my own survival as well! ;-)

[Cheri]

Thank you for your transparency. Even in your weakness you are an incredible example, encouragement and blessing. I'm thanking the Lord for His perfect strength. And praying for you and yours.

[Joseph and Karen]

Mary Beth,

We may never meet you in person...but our hearts were convicted to pray for you and your family since Maria's going home to Jesus.

May our Great Physician touch your heart and mind as He heal you physically and emotionally.

We Trust His Heart - Our Heavenly Father who Holds your little Maria and our future.

"Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude."
~ 1 Peter 3:8

Love and Prayers.

[Laurie Licari]

MaryBeth ~
Thanks you for sharing your heart. You are NORMAL for feeling the way you do. That is our human side and darn it, IT REALLY HURTS and is very frustrating at times. Jsut wanted to share this quote with you as it has pulled me up when I needed it the most!
"TO GET SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD, YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING YOU NEVER DID. WHEN GOD TAKES SOMETHING FROM YOUR GRASP, HE'S NOT PUNISHING YOU, BUT MERELY OPENING YOUR HANDS TO RECEIVE SOMETHING BETTER." Concentrate on this..."THE WILL OF GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD WILL NOT PROTECT YOU"
MaryBeth ~ I beleive this with all my heart. I have not stopped praying for your family since last May. You way so heavy on my heart! Love you all! Until we meet ~ Your neighbor in Knoxville.

[Denise]

Shooooooooo....the Holy Spirit can really YELL sometimes! Know that your sisters-in-Christ are called to ache, laugh, smirk, nod along, mourn with heavy sigh along side you. Darn trama...it doesn't let go of the flesh very easily at all. Halleluia to our God and King for His deliverance day-by-day, hour-by-hour, comment-by-comment. :o) Praying for the release. You will climb from the miry pit. Psalm 40:2

DIVE into Show Hope! Yay!

[Jean Ann]

Mary Beth,

You are such a blessing, even in the midst of this crazy world. Thank you for your honesty and openess. You are covered in prayer. Jean Ann Gates

[Annie Luidhardt]

What a blessing you are to me and others! I thank you for your honesty and the truth that you spoke! Your post really spoke to me and my life right now! Thanks for sharing!

[Melissa Weisbard]

Isn't it wonderful to know that God is always with us, in happiness and sorrow? After reading about your schedule and events transpiring in your life, it is not surprising that you are on an emotional roller coaster. Also, having a hysterectomy can really wreak havoc with your hormones. And I speak from experience, hormones can make every little thing seem like the weight of the world on your shoulders. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) which causes severe fluctuations with my hormones. I never know how I will react to any given situation. I just have to remember that God is there, no matter what.

God Bless and I will keep you in my prayers.

[Lynn Mick]

I will never meet you on this side of Heaven, but your honesty and willingness to share your struggles helps me on a daily basis. Your husband's message in music was my walking companion during our 2 boys' tour in Iraq. Your honesty during your difficult days has helped me with losses in our family and in the family of one of the dear girls who works for me. (Both suicides) You have helped me realize that it truly is OK to question why things happen....

Thank you

[Sheila]

Mary Beth,

Your words are a blessing in ways you will never know and I am thankful that God has placed you (and your blog) into my life.

I have often felt entitled to act like I deserve to be angry or miserable. Yet, I never sought God to take those feelings away from me. "Pray without ceasing", is a lesson that I constantly have to remind myself about.

I continue to hold you and your family in my prayers!

Best wishes for your hysterectomy follow-up, I had one in 2003 and I know how long healing can take. :)

~Sheila Rogers

[Dana]

Thank you for sharing so openly with us, Mary Beth. Please know that you are in my prayers. No wonder you're feeling overwhelmed with everything that has happened the last couple of weeks. You are so special to so many of us. My heart aches for you and all that you are going through, and have been through this past year.

I want to share several verses of Psalm 121 with you, which were a great comfort to me when I was going through a difficult period of my life several years ago. I'm sure they will be familiar to you. "I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD,the Maker of heaven and earth...The LORD watches over you."

I will keep you all in my prayers.

Dana

[J.D. in Lakeland, FL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFgrEkWNvE4 hope this video reminds you of the fun im sure Will had i found it and thought of you just remember that us chapmainiacs are still praying for you

[Melody M]

I can't find my comment anywhere. I will probably have to post another one.

[Melody M]

Thanks so much for sharing that Mary Beth. You are an amazing woman. I know that you have been through so much these last few 10 months or so. Thanks for showing complete honest. I love you. I wish that I could give you a hug right now. If you need anything you can let me know also. I am praying for you. Thanks for telling how to pray for you and what to pray for you. I am glad that you are staying true to Christ Mary Beth even though it's not always easy. I am sure.

[Tanya Robinson]

Honestly. I couldn't love you more if you lived next door and were my best friend. You are on my shower wall and aren't coming off anytime soon. (Ask Emily.)

[Kelly H-Y]

**BIG HUG**
You are so brave and thoughtful to share all that has been going on ... my goodness, it is no wonder you have felt overwhelmed by it all! What a wonderful and inspiring realization you made ... I loved what you said at the end ... that God SEES us and is always there for us in all we're SEEing and doing! You are so right! We have been praying for you daily and will continue to do so without ceasing.
Blessings to you and your beautiful family.

[Laura]

Mary Beth,
I wish you could only know just a touch of how you and your family have changed my families life. There are so many people standing with you and your family now. You have given back for years. It helps to hear your heart and to know exactly where you are at. It helps because we do want to pray for you... we do want to give back to you. You are right... God is with you.. He will never leave you and never forsake you. Nor did He Maria. He was with her every single moment. IF you have a chance, there is a book called, The Shack. I am not sure if you have heard of it, but they sell it at walmart for $10. I strongly encourage you to read it and if possible everyone in your family. If I knew how to send it to you, I would. This book is an amazing gift and describes wonderfully the love of our Father, our Papa. It describes wonderfully and explains as best as possible... deep, deep tragedy. There has not been one of us that has not asked the questions you have in one way or another. You are normal, you are loved. We love you so much. Our prayers and hearts are with you. Laura