A Long Week Last Week A Better Week This Week, but I am Weak!

I feel the need to explain my week last week so that my friends here will know how better to pray for me. About a week and a half ago, I completely came to the end of myself.  I was teary......OK, I was just plain a puddle....Lots of tears that kept coming.  A lot of anger was just crawling all through me.  I just couldn't figure it out...  Where was it coming from?  Granted, there is a part of me that feels entitled to be teary and angry, I've been through a lot.  Not only last week, but this last year!  However, then I quickly prayed to God, PLEASE....I don't want to feel entitled, or act like I deserve to be in this place of self-pity.  It is an on-going war in my heart and my head!   I tend to stay quite conflicted these days since Maria left and went to be with Jesus.  But let me tell you about the last several days! 2 weeks ago tomorrow, our good friend, business associate, father to Caleb's other band mates, awesome husband, mentor to my son's, left this world to go see his Savior and Maria.... The result of a 14 month battle with Pancreatic cancer.  David Lipscomb was an awesome friend and encourager...one of the first faces I remember seeing in the emergency room at Vanderbilt the night of our accident with Maria.  I miss him.  I am sad.  While he was declining, David's business partner and good friend, Geoff Moore, along with Steven helped put together an evening supporting David and his family.  David didn't get to be there with us, he was already playing with Maria by then, however it was a sacred evening that I think was a profound event for our industry. Several Artist played, SCC was among them.  Caleb had filmed David off and on, and David's footage actually introduced the other Artist and he also shared some very poignant words with the audience.  At any rate that evening took it out of me....especially after the weekend I had had.  David had passed, and I was just angry....  Angry at David, Angry at Maria, Angry at Steven, Angry at whoever would allow me to be and not be angry back!  I was finally at that place of not understanding God taking away those I love, and leaving all of us here to wonder around and heal the best we know how!  That's at least how I felt....  Partly because I had gone back to the doctor to ask about some medication that I had been on for awhile.  At any rate, I needed to add a different medication to my list, and try to get my emotions and anger under control.  All the while, crying out to God to please come back and take us to be with Him and Maria!   I just want to SEE her so badly!!     Ok....  The benefit concert was Monday evening....  The funeral was 11:AM on Tuesday....  The Dr. apt. was Tues afternoon....  We went straight from the Dr. telling me I needed to add another medication, to the Regional semi-finals for Will Franklin.  We had to drive out to Spring Hill, right past the cemetery, so we stopped with some flowers and visited Maria's "spot" as we like to call it.  We tell our girls all the time that Maria is not there at that spot, but that it is just her shell.  None the less it is the "spot" we visit the shell at.  OK...  On out to the game we went, with every reason to believe we would win the game!   We didn't!  Will Franklin's BB season came to a halt on that Tuesday.  It was hard to believe that it was over.  No more games...no more Willy in the Purple, Gold, White, & Black Jersey #5.  We all cried....and then went to Chili's for milk shakes!  Still very sad it was over, another kind of loss.  The whole time this week is unfolding, I had Shaoey needing to read a big book on Laura Wilder and then have a pioneer outfit put together, and then do a diorama (SP?)...Literally a scene from the book in a shoe box....  and of course...a book report on top of it all!   Wednesday found us busy with that.....Thursday found me at the OB GYN having my  6 week check up after a hysterectomy ( yes, there was that too! )....Friday allowed a beautiful day that let SCC and I wonder out to the big Pioneer Day!  It was a BIG LONG week.  I didn't have time for anything I long to do.....  be at home, quiet, spending time reading, praying....you all know what I'm saying.  At any rate, I hope at this point you are all figuring out that I am really normal .....  or not  ...and on the verge of out of controlled-ness!  Friday night found us at Shaoey's BB tournament in which she played 1 game Friday night, 2 games Saturday night, and 2 games on Sunday night!  All the while I am the mother of the groom, with wedding plans coming down the pike fast...  I just married my daughter last October, my little girl went to be with Jesus, and Will Franklin is graduating as well.  I feel sometimes in the swirl that I am all of a sudden a mother that has 2 little girls, but ALL the big kids are still coming and going (I LOVE IT BY THE WAY).....All of that to say is that Sunday after the Championship game in which Shaoey did WIN!!!!!  Steven and I went to the Hermitage Hotel as a gift from our children at Christmas.  They had given us a gift card and we used it!  It was restful and very nice to re-connect with my Hubby!  I think I am realizing something through all of the craziness.  Yes, God wants my quiet, and yes, God wants me to rest and hear Him and learn Him....but all along, in the crazy last two weeks, where I hardly had time to think.....I realized that if I always think that I am going to finally get to that place where I am constantly trying to get....like in a quiet picked up house....then I'm wrong.  I need to choose to SEE Christ in every BD party I drive too, every piano lesson that gets taught, every Ballet TUTU that gets twirled.  God is with me.  He isn't waiting until I die for me to be with Him....He isn't waiting until BB season is over, or until I get completely healthy...He SEE'S me now....He is with me now...  I know it is a simple realization, however....It was big good news to me.  I don't want to forget.....I want to remember.....God was with Maria on May 21 and God is with Mary Beth on March 10....  I would ask your prayers as I try and navigate all the things that pull after me...I love looking after my family and I really try to put that circle around them that they come first....  After that....it gets fuzzy.  I will be working more at Show Hope as that is my passion after my children and husband...please pray as I get back to scheduling and working at Balancing it all.

I love you all, Thanks for allowing my honesty

MBC

Comments

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[liz cox]

your story has touched me and im reaching out for spiritual guidance. i suffer from severe chronic depression and after 19yrs of treatment was told to be happy im still alive most people would have commited suicide by know. i go days where i barely function and i regularly think of suicide however i have 2 children who need me so this is not an option. also i dont believe i control my death i believe its written in the lambs book of life and not my own to do with. i am desperate enough to have inquired about electroshock therapy but the doctors just say no way. pls i need godly advice on how to proceed and how to cope.

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[Jordans 5]

The blog article very surprised to me! Your writing is good. In this I learned a lot! Thank you!

[Joanne]

Thank you for your honesty and I'll be praying for you. While I'm sure you know this, while we can sometimes only hang on by our fingernails and our cries out to God, you are also human and bless your sweet heart, you have endured so much pain and loss. The constant non stop stress of your loss on top of HUGE life events (Emily's and Caleb's weddings, Will's graduation, Mother's Day, etc.) has a definite effect on your mind and body. I hope with all the activity, you are also getting sleep and eating okay too. Again, you are in my prayers and thank you again for being so real, so honest, and allowing us to pray for you.

[tracyky]

Wow, the naked emotions you have blogged are something we all need to realize. Just because you and your family are famous doesn't mean you are less human. I cried hurting for you and wanting you to have a glimpse of your daughter in a cloud, a whisper, a knowing. Something to give you a little peace from God. Your children are so lucky to have you. You are a wonderful wife to your husband. I know you are trying to hold it all together but maybe let go and let God. Easier said than done. I need to tak my own advice. We are praying for you and hope our love can give a little comfort. Thank you for sharing. It is a testament to your faith that you know God is big enough for all the emotions you need to express. LOTS OF LOVE FROM KY

[Michelle]

I'm just another mom, loving Jesus and praying for you. Recently I selfishly kinda stopped reading and checking up on Chapman life via House Mix or here or with SCC---because I sometimes would cry for a couple days off and on after remembering Maria more, even having never met her. But I know I need to "stop in" more often to pray for all of you. May God fill your hearts with joy in the good things in your lives, and may He cover the wounds with all the grace and peace He can give (which is a whole lot!)--God bless you, each of you.

[Heather Johnson]

MB, Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing with us. I don't know if you remember me, but I am the mom of Hunter, the boy you all prayed for in Estes Park...bald headed cutie!!! I also had a recent hysterectomy and have had days like the one you describe. I know our journeys have been different, but your strength inspires me. We continue to pray for your family, and now that I know of your surgery, I can understand your 'specific' prayer needs in that as well. If you can swing it, your chould come with Steven on the 14th (Hunter and I will be in the 2nd row BTW...it was my promise to him when he was finally well again) You should stay at the Broadmoor, visit the spa there (it is amazing) and rest with a view of the mountains. Please email me if you are coming and I will offer some more specific suggestions on things to pamper you...YOU DESERVE IT!!!!
WITH LOVE, PRAYERS AND HUGS,
Heather Johnson

[Michele Scott]

Mary Beth,
This reminds me so much of our Lord Jesus while he walked this earth. His life was CRAZY. He was always looking for that time where He could be alone with His Father, just to get away from the madness and the craziness, just to be quiet and to pray. He longed for those times where He could sit and be in His Father's presence. He ,like us, longed to be there in heaven where He belonged. But even in the longings He stayed focused on his mission here-always loving, being an advocate for the poor, the sick, the widows and the orphan. I believe He knows our hearts and understands us in every way possible because he walked the roads that we walk. He does know your pain, your loss, your weakness, your inner struggles,your anger,your busyness, your great desire to see and touch Maria again. He sees that you have a heart much like his own. OH, how you are loved by Him. You, my friend, I believe are right on target. He is with you just as the Heavenly Father was here with His Son the whole time-in all the craziness, in all the busyness, in all the good times,in all the sorrow, in all the pain. I am continuing to walk with you in prayer for you and your precious family. You have been and continue to be such a radiant light and beautiful fragrance of Christ in my life. I wish I could have a time to just sit with you and share. One day.
In the peace of Christ

[Shari Campa]

I read your post with tears streaming, and understanding at least a piece of what you described. We buried the 30 year old father of our precious 10 month old grandson last week. A life taken too young, our baby boy without a daddy...I have been angry at God. And in the midst of it, the needs of our other children and the world just continue to turn. Thanks for your vulnerability, your honesty, and your willingness to share your journey with fellow sojourners who are longing to get home. In the midst of this time, we like you continue to attempt to "Grieve With Hope". Clinging to the truth of His word that "In Him all things hold together." May you be held together in Him sweet sister.

[Julie McKenzie]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I needed to read that today & though I haven't had the loss like you, I relate to the turmoil & whirlwind. I appreciate you much. God bless & may the Lord Jesus comfort you. Julie McKenzie

[Chrystal]

Mary Beth-
THANK YOU for your honesty. So well said and words that many of us need to know are ok to feel.

[Lori Bourke]

God's peace is so amazing! You sound as normal as all me and all the other mothers I know! Thank you for sharing your honesty. It makes me feel better to hear that others go through the same struggles that I do, not so lonely!! I am thankful we have such an understanding, forgiving God!

[debbie]

You sound like normal mom going through lots of normal and some abnormal stuff!! Hang in there...I know you will because that's what the Chapmans do! I share some of your struggles...not the pain of losing a child. But as a mom I hurt for you and continue to hold you to our Father...was reading The Shack and thinking of you...have you read it?
Debbie from Orlando

[kareleg]

Mary Beth and Steve,
A friend, Cheryl, lost her daughter yesterday when her husband accidently ran over her with the car. She was not quite 2 years old. If there is anything you can shed in terms of letters w/them, I know that would help. She is a Christian. Her daughter's name was Christiana. Thanks.

Her name:
Cheryl Faustin
I can forward her address if ever you wanted to send her a letter. i can only imagine the pain both she and her husband must feel- somethin g your family has been through. I'd be happy to privately give you her info.

[Amy]

Mary Beth,
Just want to thank you for your honesty! You are an inspirational role model for me as I get overwhelmed in my own life with day-to-day happenings. God is using you to speak to and bless others(me included)! I'm sorry this past year has been so hard for you! I'm thankful for Christian women like you who set an example for me of what faith in action looks like! Hang in there! I'm praying for you and your family! God Bless you and strengthen you!
Love & Prayers,
Amy

[Scott B]

Hugs.

Scott

[Jane]

Mary Beth,
Thank you for your honesty. I want you to know your honesty in a magazine article a few years back where you talked about your depression and going on medication gave me the push I needed to go to a doctor and seek help. Thank you for allowing God to use you.

[Lesli Cryer]

What a gift that you would share your heart! Jesus puts you on my mind regularly and I find myself grieving a little for you and asking for more strength and healing to your heart.
Love you my Sister in Christ,
Lesli Cryer

[Paula L]

Thank you for your honesty - I think God led me to this today for my own "time such as this". Feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and often without hope.
Thanks for the reminder God is with me even then.

[Alyssa Browning]

Your honesty is sooo reassuring. Definitely something I needed to hear. After lose in my family, I feel like I struggle daily trying to make sense of it all. Thank you for these words. I pray you find the peace and strength you need to navigate this thing called life.

Blessings to you and your entire family.

[Trisha Ray]

You're normal...just sayin' I think all of us 40 something, mothers who are raising kids, lovin our husbands, being there for everyone, and dealing with life, loss, and tragedies, can relate. We may all be at a different level with different circumstances - but we get it....at least I can say that I get it. God is with you - in the big and in the little. You are amazing, you are loved, you are normal. I am praying for you. Thanks for sharing and for helping me realize that I am normal.