MaryBeth

Bday Wishes for MBC here

Thanks for all of your

Thanks for all of your support of Steven's new release of "Beauty Will Rise"..We pray it offers HOPE to many! We Love You..

Caleb and Will opening...New EP avail soon @ calebchapman.com

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Caleb's New EP!!

OK..proud mom moment...Caleb and Will are opening for Bethany Dillon and Robbie Seay Band...We came to Litchfield Ill to see the show tonight and are thrilled to see them set out on their own. Caleb's EP will be available soon at calebchapman.com this is his second EP and if you don't mind me saying...they are both excellent! You and your kids are gonna love it

October 22, 2009....74 weeks and 1 day....519 days....since I've held Maria? Or closer to SEEing her again?

I started this post yesterday....I couldn't finish it...got frustrated and teary and just walked away. I had a few things to "do", a couple of appointments and errands....Then...it happened.  I realized that I was all alone...Boys out of town, girls in school, and I had about 2-3 hours before I needed to pick up Shaoey and take her to "Trauma" counseling. What a fun extra-curricular activity that is.  Some kids play soccer....others go to trauma therapy!  I hate being alone these days...which is ironic because I usually like being alone. But these lonely days leave me to do nothing but think!  Especially on days that happen to be the 21st...of any month, it is just a little bit harder...I'm sure as time continues to be a friend and carry us closer to the reality of our true home and inheritance with Christ, it will be..., well maybe not easier, but different.  Maybe a shift of perspective that life is moving by at a faster and faster pace, and that we really ARE just passing through this land to our permanent home with Christ.  So, I did what any sad, grieving mom might do.  I went to TJ Maxx!  You see, I'm not a shopper...As in I don't like or care about brand names....I avoid the mall like a plague unless it is Christmas and I have to purchase gifts for family members...and when I do have to make a retail selection, the bargain hunter in me is unveiled!  TJ Maxx is my friend!  A lot of times I just get a buggy and stroll the isles...not putting a single thing in my cart.  I just stroll, think and cry as I think of how desperately I miss that chubby belly, pigeon toed, sloppy kisser of a girl.  Yesterday....17 months later, I still caught myself bargaining with God to give her back to me....To somehow let her be manifested so that I could just see her for a minute, or at least get a small whiff of her sweet, yet sweaty smell.  I would have loved to just feel the sensation of me kissing the fat of her neck and blowing Zerberts until she giggled so hard she could barely speak!  Why?  It's been 17 months!  I still think about her that much and miss her that much!  I don't know whether I'm stuck....stuck in grief...or if I'm simply a mom!  A mom who knows exactly how many days its been since she heard...."Mommy, will you put Cinderella's gloves on for me?"  "Thanks mommy, I love you"....I really hesitate sometimes to write these honest truest of true thoughts down....I find myself thinking....."whoever is reading this probably thinks I need to just get over it and move on..."  I want you all to know that I am making progress.  The waves roll in a little less frequently, but they still roll in....and as far as getting over it....I won't...I'll get through it, not over it....  There is a part of me that will be and is forever changed and different because I buried a child at 5 years old!  Now, that's not to mean that I won't ever experience joy...I already have....in plenty of ways...I've had 2 children get married since Maria went to be with Jesus!  What joy it was to see my children so in love and happy....true joy...yet...what was forever changed...was the fact that I will still go through those joyous times very away of my brokenness and my sad.  It's really ok!  In fact God entrusted me with it.  Why?  Trust me?  I don't even want to talk about the "Why?"question.... But ultimately, God wanted to use our family to live out this kind of story here on Earth.  I only pray that when people see us battling it out and crying our guts out and loving till it hurts, that they know we are doing our best to honor the ONE that blessed us with Maria for 5 beautiful years.  Did I want more years?  You better believe I did....but...I also know that Maria didn't live one day longer than she was supposed to.  She was never going to learn to ride her bike without training wheels, drive a car, go on a date, or as Shaoey observed...have a senior picture hanging on the senior picture wall....God knew all of that...He knows all of my pain...and somehow I am trusting that He alone is the ONE that is going to fix it, heal it, make it right....when it is time.  Until then, I'll still be asking God to let me see her, feel her, smell her.....and if you see a woman who is a little disheveled walking the isles of TJ Maxx with tears streaming down her face....It's probably me!  You see, know matter how much I can tell you it's getting easier, I still end up back where I started.  I want so badly to be the strong Christian woman that keeps taking those steps ahead and making that awesome progress.  Yet, when all is said and done, I think I'm going to have to settle for the Little Train that Could....  Tell Jesus...I think I can I think I can...and believe it...even when I don't!  Ok...enough for today...I'm running out the door to the hallelujah hoedown for Stevey Joys class!  A bit of joy I don't want to miss!

Hugs,

Mary Beth

Oct 21, 2009..74 wks..518 days

Oct 21, 2009..74 wks..518 days closer to maria? Or since I've held her?Life is hard & glorious all @ once!

Scarecrow Day! One Problem..it wasn't today! OOPS! Sorry Stevey

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25 years ago today!

On my way out the door, but 25 years ago today.....This Ohio girl with BIG 80's hair....married a Kentucky boy with an impressive mullet!  I was 19 and he was 21!  I'm not sure where all the years went...but I'm grateful that I have spent them with my best friend!  He has a whole day planned for me, so off I go!  I'll report back later with details....probably not ALL the details, but definitely some!  Happy 25th to my sweetie!

Hugs,

Mary Beth

Leaving Tomorrow....What was 20 is now 25.

Dear Friends,

I wanted to let you know that SCC and I are leaving tomorrow for our 25th anniversary trip (going a little early)....Our anniversary isn't until the 13th, but Stevey Joy's birthday is the 12th and we can't miss that!  We were supposed to take this trip on our 20th anniversary but as God would have it, Maria entered the picture and we ended up in China adopting our sweet daughter....Alas the trip was postponed but I wouldn't have had it any other way....  So, five years later and a lot of stuff later...We are finally going away for a week....  The girls are well taken care of by family and friends, the list are made and the plane leaves at 6:09 am.  Therefore, I am going to bid you a farewell for a bit and ask that as many of you that can, pray for us during this week off.  That we would rest, listen, heal, grieve, or do whatever God leads.  Thanks so much for your support and for allowing me to share my journey...All of you are loved.

Hugs,

MB

No Matter What....It's just plain hard!

I came across these pictures a few days ago, and it just slammed me at how fast time goes by....and how fleeting life really is.... Maria was 5 when she went to be with Jesus, and she is such a little baby/toddler in these photos!  If you look closely at the second picture....you'll see her famous "drip".  We all used to say Maria leaks!  What I wouldn't give to have the top of my shirt wet with her slobber again....  Today is just one of those days, when it all seems very surreal again, and if I take a nap, maybe I'll wake up to life being different.... and Maria running up and down the steps a million times like she always did.  Maria was loud as I've told you all before, so her absence is a huge void around here. For the most part, everyone is adjusting to the New Normal, you know the one with a huge elephant in the room that some days you just have to ignore to make it through the day....Or on other days, you talk it out, cry it out, fight it out, or pray it out of the room?  I've read now so many books on grief that I should have a degree, but you know what?  There isn't any one way to do it.  My story isn't yours and your story isn't mine.... I've come to the conclusion that the only thing that people who are suffering and grieving have in common, at least if you believe as I do as a Christian....is the One who suffered for us, and the Father that grieved Him going to the cross, understands....Now, whoever is sitting there saying yeah, right.... I'm with you!  There are days that God is sooooooo quiet that I begin to question Him....I'm just being honest....  There seems to be days of silence....  And even with ALL the seeds sprouting from planting the story of Maria into the hearts of thousands.... it still seems quiet when I most need to hear Him... I am still assuming that this is where faith, hope and trust enter the picture.  If I stop believing, then what?  Maybe that is what God is wanting me to to learn through all the silence.... Some days, I'm good...and I'm hopeful!  Some days, I'm screaming...."I believe....help my unbelief!"  The chronic pain that lives in my heart and my soul seems to need surgery to fix it...get it better quick....but obviously....16 months into this journey, I'm beginning to realize that God perhaps wants me to heal slowly so that as many things that can be learned about Him is learned.... I'm not being a very good student today....Maybe tomorrow, my attention will be better.... I am trusting He has the  Chapman's best plan for us scripted out until we are with sweet Maria again...I'm sure it won't be all happy and pain free...for I know that suffering is one place where he ministers to us the most...So to think that we've had our quota would be foolish....I am just longing for the day when all the pain stops.  Until then, may we face each struggle with the hope that He is working out His salvation in us so that when the day comes that all things are made new, and the suffering ends...We will hear him say..."you see?...It's everything I said it would be."  I know Maria knows that now.  I can't wait until she can give me the VIP tour!  Have a great weekend, and again....for those hurting....I'm just very very sorry, and you need to know that He does understand.